How come the only menu options in coach on any aircraft seems
to be chicken or beef? I am assuming that the airlines have spend
vast sums of money in researching how to keep the in-flight food
costs down and therefore also in the dietary likes and dislikes
of the coach class masses. Perhaps when you get down the bare bones
of the situation we can all be categorized into three main groups.
Vegetarian, Chicken or Beef.
I'm a breast man myself, though chicken legs are pretty good too.
But you know, come to think of it beef is okay too. While I am sitting
in the plane on the ground I usually decide if today is a chicken
or a beef day. But when they come around mid-flight and ask me "Chicken
or beef sir?" I have those few moments of pressured indecision as
if on a TV game show before I end up choosing the chicken, as ever.
Of course when the said 'chicken' arrives it doesn't resemble
anything that looks remotely like chicken back on terra firma. It's
been processed into that microscopic square pink thing that is 'served'
with nasty vegetables, a 'salad', some kind of a cookie that has
a fancy name and a fruit cake desert that looks like a bio health
hazard. All of this is dished up on a tray just that is just big
enough to make balancing it and your drink on the seat back tray
table seem like an aptitude test.
So now you're sitting there trying to somehow eat the micro meal,
drink your drink, watch the in-flight movie and be comfortable.
It is of course impossible, you're in coach for goodness sake. You
sit there fighting for space on the arm rest you share with the
person next to you who is if your extremely unlucky, a huge fat
person with no personality, charm or manners.
The movie will be something suitable for all audiences. It's the
kind of movie you would be able to sit and watch with your Mom,
except of course you never would because it'll be a stupid movie
that you have no interest in watching under normal circumstances.
But then under normal circumstances you would never try and squeeze
yourself into a space so small it constricts blood flow to vital
limbs and organs.
You pick up and leaf through the now extremely battle worn in-flight
magazine to see what other movies are showing. There are some really
great ones showing.. But alas, as always they are on the other flights.
'Ah what the heck' you think, as you settle down to watch the
movie you're not interested in. It'll stop you from getting too
bored and as sleep is entirely out of the question due to your lack
of double joints and contortionistic abilities it will serve as
a welcome diversion.
The headphones in coach are designed to be very uncomfortable and
the audio quality from them will resemble that of a cardboard tube.
You have your own set of headphones but they won't work in this
socket so you have to sit there trying to hear the movie and lip
read at the same time. Periodically you'll look at the volume controls
to see if maybe, just maybe, you could squeeze a little more power
out of these ear irritating headphones, but you know deep down that
it's a waste of time.
"Ladies and Gentlemen the captain has turned on the fasten seatbelts
sign. So at this time we would ask you to return to your seat and
fasten your seat belt securely."
Hello? "Please return to our seats"? Where the hell
else would we be? It's not like we could go for a brisk walk is it? Our options
are somewhat limited, we have our seat or the restroom, and that's
And the restroom, that's a scary place isn't it. You do what you
have to do hoping and praying all the time that you don't hit any
turbulence because if you did that could be extremely embarrassing
as you walk down the aisle back to your seat. Of course when you
flush you always hold onto something solid so as to allay your irrational
fear that you might somehow get sucked away in that violent and
noisy flush that always makes you jump.
Now you're about to land. The statutory screaming kid is in full
chorus and the flight attendant is thanking you for choosing this
airline, when we all know that you're in coach and you chose this
airline because they were cheap, and if the other guys were cheaper
you'd have flown with them.
At the gate the plane stops, you're moments away from being able
to move like a human again, but before that you have to contend
with the disembark scrum. You'll duck and dive as people get their
huge bags from the overhead bins. They drop them on your head, elbow
you in the face, or knee you in the back as you struggle with your
own carry on luggage.
Then you stand in the aisle for an age while all the first and
business class passengers take their sweet time to finish up their
drinks, pack away their laptops, exchange business cards and get
off the plane.
Welcome to your destination, we hope you fly with us again soon.